Monday, March 22, 2010

Help! I like boys! (girls?) (both?!) by Roger

Biki asked me to write a little about my situation in life, my sexuality, and how I got here, mainly to help or guide some of you younger readers and bloggers.   I guess a little explanation is in order.  I am married, to a woman, and have been for nearly 18 years.  I have 3 kids, 2 of them  teenagers, that I am trying to raise to be happy, friendly, well developed adults.  It's hard!   Oh, I am also gay.  There are a lot of gay bloggers living the gay life and going about a typical gay life out there; I'm not one of them.  After you read my story, you may want to carefully consider before going down my road.
I guess everyone has their early memories of seeing others nude, both male and female.  It might be taking a bath with your siblings, or a friend sleeping over and changing together, jumping in the splash pool in the backyard with out a suit, etc.  I remember playing with a girl down the street when I was in 2nd grade and we both decided to take off our clothes and keep on playing whatever we were doing.  Our Moms were both surprised when they came out back to get us!  My brother and I met another pair of brothers in the woods and wanted to compare dicks when I was in 3rd grade.  In 4-6th grades, I would always take a really long shower in the pool changing rooms just watching everybody get changed and getting showers.  I remember getting an erection when I was in the changing room with my friend and my brother one time.  I didn't think a whole lot about it.  I loved to see anyone naked, men, women, boys, girls; it didn't matter.  (I love nudity and I am now a nudist, but that really has no connection to my sexuality)  I don't have a sister, so most of my opportunities for viewing were to see boys, of course.  I always preferred males; they just seemed more interesting, I guess because there are more moving parts.  lol   One exception to this was in 6th grade.  There was a crawl space under one of the 6th grade classrooms that, over the years, people had expanded into a small area where teens went to hookup.  I didn't know this exactly, but I had been all through there and found the areas people had equipped with blankets and candles.  A girl named Stormie approached me and wanted to go under the building together!  Cool!  I was pretty sure this would involve undressing of some sort and it did.    We had our shirts up and our pants down in about 15 seconds and were rubbing everything together.  If I hadn't been so naive and (semi)innocent, I think we would have gone all the way.  I'm not sure either of us really knew what to do, but it was still memorable!  I got some mileage out of telling this to my buddies; that was a lot for a 6th grader in my day.  Did I think I was gay at this point?  I didn't know what that was, but I liked naked girls some and boys a lot.
Moving on to 8th grade, we had moved and I was the new kid at school.  I was making my way as best I could and trying to make friends, but they were all boys.  Where I moved to, kids started showering in gym in 6th grade, and it was your typical open bay, gang showers with all the towel snapping you could stand with kids from 6-8th grade all mixed together.  I secretly loved it and did a lot of ball watching.  I thought I was real clever about it, but probably not.  I had a crush on a boy that I dared not reveal.  He was beautiful, but I could hardly talk around him.  Then it happened; I got a raging boner in the shower and someone noticed!  Was I gay?  I at least knew what that meant now.  I thought my social life would be over after the shower scene, but it did blow over.  In 9th grade, someone called me gay in a group setting.  One of the "A" list socialite girls in my grade jumped right in and defended me to everyone (Roger is not gay!).  I was highly grateful and told her in private.  What did she see in me to do that?  At some point when I was 14 or 15, I thought about committing suicide and had the rifle in my mouth.  I ended up crying over my gun and my parents never found out.  I had been praying my a long time, "God, please don't let me be gay".  We all know this doesn't work; you are how you've been made by God.  I kept on fooling myself even after this.  I didn't date much in HS, but I had dates at the crucial events I attended.  I had some looks and traits that girls wanted to date.  I could just drop a hint in their clique and then shyly ask a giggling girl out.  Did I enjoy these dates?  Yes, but I was nervous as hell, just like anybody (straight or gay) on new date.  I didn't pursue deeper relationships because the social "cover" was enough at the time.  I really wasn't interested in being good friends with a girl.  I looked at girls, talked about them with the guys, admired boobs and butts and, along with everyone else, liked to see Farah Faucet posters.  I remember waking up from a wet dream involving a girl.   Because I didn't have much experience dating, I think I was socially delayed.  The dating level I was at in college was where most people were at in HS.
College was memorable for me and it should be for anyone.  Living away from home for the first time, no one to check your comings and goings, able to do what you want, and meet who you want; what's not to like (there is no one to force you to study either, so have some self-control)?  I went to a public school with a full-time corp of cadets (ROTC).  (See my blog for more details) Many decades ago, it was an all male school and corp, but when I was there, it was coed.  There were gang showers, nudity in the single sex dorms (probably in the mixed ones too), the works, just like the movies.  It was fairly easy for me to not have to date anyone in college but I did date a few girls and did some range of sexual things with them.  I remember having to run and get a condom from a buddy in a big hurry.   Was I gay?  I still lusted after guys but couldn't say anything.  My fantasies involved boys but my dates were with girls.  I jacked off in the showers (a lot) almost hoping to get caught.  Hey, it would have been a conversation starter!  The military can be a very homophobic place (at least back then I thought so).  It can be really hard to admit you are not like anyone else.  Looking back, I was just fooling myself. 
In the military, all I really thought about was what the guys looked like nude, and when I could roam around the barracks.  Deployments with field showers were also a treat.  I was asked in a round-about way if I was gay at one point.  I still wasn't ready to admit it.  I ended up getting married to someone my age and I think both sets of parents were surprised that their son or daughter actually got married.  We probably shouldn't have, but we really were in love.  I have finally admitted to myself that I am gay (some of you may be thinking bi).  I have kind of condensed things down here at the end of my story as I want to get to the main points about liking or maybe lusting after both boys and girls.
In the world of sexuality, there is a range of totally straight to totally gay and everything in between.   It is called the Kinsey scale.  There are very few people who are exclusively straight or exclusively gay or even exactly in the middle.  Most people are somewhere in the middle with a leaning (maybe strongly) to one side or the other.  Despite 90% of my sexual experience being with females, I much prefer sex with males.  That doesn't mean that I don't like seeing good looking women.  Sex can be good with either gender, it just really depends on your frame of mind and what naturally turns you on.  How do you know which you prefer and should you try both to sure?  Even while pursuing sex with girls, I was always thinking about guys.  Who you think about when you masturbate is a good sign of a preference.  Maybe you can remember the person in a wet dream you had.  Given the free availability of any kind and style of Internet porn, what do you choose?  Who do you think about living with long term, maybe for life?  Relationships have many components to them, including emotional and sexual.  "Friends with benefits" can be a great way to experiment with female sex.   I think it is nice to be able to say you have tried both, unless you really have no interest.   I know of a guy who's prom date wanted sex, and he managed it, but only by thinking of another boy!  He is probably way over on the gay side, but not entirely, and that is OK.  I have also heard someone described as "Straight as a Roman road" and he wouldn't even kiss a guy on a dare. I guess the main thing about trying sex with others (male or female) is don't lead anybody on.  If you just want to have sex, make that clear; don't hurt anyone to get an experience.  Being attracted to both sexes can have benefits but can also be confusing.  Am I gay?  Am I straight?  You'll figure it out eventually, but don't lie to yourself about your sexuality.  It can lead to a life of "What ifs" and regrets.
Now it's time for a shameless plug:  My blog is "A Nexus" at  I am happy to answer or follow up with any e-mails or comments you have.  If you are a younger guy, I might refer you to some of the other bloggers out there closer to your exact situation.  I can probably tell you a bunch about being married and gay, and there are more bloggers out there like me also.


Aek said...

Thank you for this post. It's great reading about your thoughts and what you were going through, as I think a lot of it reflects and resonates with many of us out there (at least, at some point in our lives).

Some of us (*cough* myself *cough*) may still be unsure, and it's frustrating trying to sort things out. It can be damn near a wall. Our minds are set up to put people into neat little boxes, but figuring out which box (if any) to go into, can be rather difficult and confusing.

May we all find some end and finality to our journeys.

Joseph said...

I do know people who are closeted homosexuals. A close friend and suprisingly a good number in my year. It will be intresting to see who comes out after school and who stays in.
I'm out and notting bad has ever come my way so it makes me wonder why their so scared of coming out.....hmmm.....I suppose circumstances are diffrent for each and every person here on this earth.
Maybe I got lucky or maybe i'm wrong in my opinion of these people. I'm not going to look into it much after all you never know what a person is really thinking. I can only hope that if they are gay they are happy and comfortable with who they truly are. The same gose to you Roger.

Anonymous said...

Im just really confused...I mean I like boys (I guess?) they can be good looking but i am usually only attracted to women!(lol yes, i am a girl). I mean i can imagine sex with them to be SO great. But on the otherhand i can only imagine my 'happy ever after' with a husband, not a 'Wife' :(
I just wanna know NOW!What am i? Thankyou for your post.Your questions helped me alot toooo.


Biki said...

Hi there Anonymous,

There is nothing more tricky than trying to unravel the secrets of our hearts and minds. Then stir in a nice side dollop of socialization, which muddies the waters even more.

Can you only imagine a happily ever after with a husband is because thats what you have grown up seeing, and expecting, and really until very recently the only way to have a "happily ever after"?

I think you need to give yourself some time, go on some dates with both guys and girls, and see how you feel. No, you dont have to have intercourse with all of them, but with some hugs and kisses your mind will let you know if your crank is turning and want more, or you really dont care to carry on.

Save yourself the grief, your future husband the grief, and for sure any children you bring into the world grief, by getting this settled before saying "i do" to anyone of either gender.

If you are lesbian, then dont "settle" for a guy because before long, it wont be a marriage it will be a torture session, for both of you. Be honest with yourself. Be true to who you are.

However!! If you are still living at home, and are still in school, be cautious about coming out to them. Run past your memory banks how they seem to talk and feel about lgbt people. if they seem rather open and easy with lgbt's then go ahead and talk to them. but if you think or feel that things could go badly, then keep your mouth shut, and your eyes forward on the prize, of getting the best education possible so as to be independent of them if need be. And really a great many parents do come around later on, but that doesnt help if your parents throw you out of the house before you have a chance to finish school.

Be smart, be honest with yourself, you can do this. If you want to talk more, email me, yeah?