Saturday, January 16, 2010

Make Up Sex 101 by Biki

Over and over I hear the same thing, how lucky I am with my relationship with T.H. (The Husband).  And yes, I am lucky to have T.H. in my life.  But, being married happily is never luck, tis at times just plain hard work.  Yea, hard work.....  From the prospective of 31 years of marriage, I have a few insights to share with you.

Any relationship is work, yea yea I know you don't really want to hear that do you?  But, tis all to true.  So, you are sitting there looking at your screen thinking, work?  What on earth is Biki talking about? 

Love, love, love and sex! 

That is what it's all about really, huh?  Many things brought you together at first, one of which might be good ol' fashioned lust.  But, lust isn't enough to hold a relationship, there has to something deeper, more solid to live on.  And that something deeper has to be love.  

At the beginning, fueled with lust and blinded by love, everything is fine fine fine.  But, lust does start to cool a bit, and our eyes start to clear, and then we hit the pavement.  Things that never bothered us about them before, suddenly make us want to scream..... well we can't go around doing that now can we?  

Pick your battles wisely!  

Here is something stupid from our past.... and I do mean stupid.  Ok, so I am like a 5 year old with the toothpaste, I will admit it.  I squeeze the tube from the middle, and am not usually good at putting the cap on straight or tight, and it drove T.H. nuts!  Believe it or not, we would fight about toothpaste....sigh.  Yea, toothpaste.  Then one day my brain finally engaged, and it dawned on me two things that were set in stone.  One, I will not be changing how I use toothpaste.  Two, T.H. will never be ok with it, and it is well weird to fight over TOOTHPASTE!  The next time we grocery shopped, I bought two different type of toothpaste, end of problem.  

If only I had realized how stupid fighting over toothpaste truly was earlier, we might not have used so many tears and anger over something so trivial.  So, while you are pulling in that breath to yell about something?  Stop and think, is this really that important that we need to fight over it?  Will he ever change?  Will I ever change?  If there is an easier way around, like me buying two types of toothpaste, then go that route.  A lot of the stuff couples fight over is just trivial, plain and simple.  How to fold the towels, do we air dry the dishes or wipe them, which way should the toilet paper hang, etc.  All this is just trivial, and doesn't matter at all, unless we blow it all out of proportion with our need to win these trivial battles.

Win to loose!

So, you have decided that this indeed is an important battle.  The lines have been drawn in the sand, and your built up anger is ready to burst right out of your skin.  And the argument is on!  Let's pull back from the battle scene for a moment and look at this shall we?  Ok, you are mad, and that is a valid emotion, and letting it fester inside is a really bad idea to be sure.  However there is a right way to fight, and a wrong way.  

The wrong way is to say things like this.... "You never think about what I want!"  Or... "You didn't even care about what I thought!"  Ok!  That is sure to start a war between you two.  If you attack your guy with those kind of words, what you will get back is him lashing back because he is now hurt.  And you will be hurt by his words and the end result, is that nothing is resolved and everyones feelings have been battered and bruised.  And now that is a whole new problem.

Instead tell the person how their actions make you feel, and yes you can do this loudly.  So the right way would be....."It hurts me when you made decisions without asking me first."  See, the same information is given, but without being quite as combative about it.  Say it loudly if you really must, what you feel inside, not what they have done wrong.  The whole idea of a fight is to get things straight and back on track again.  

Whose job is this anyway?

Some couples divide up the jobs that keep the lights on and the house clean very rigidly, others run with a much more free form manner.  Each of them works well depending on the personalities of the couple.  Having said that tho.... there comes a time and a place to just man up.  

So, he does the dishes, tis his job, ok fine.  However, does that mean you can't carry your after dinner snack plate to the kitchen?  If all of the dishes have been done for the night, give it a quick wash.  Yes, yes I know, tis so not your job.  But, think how happy doing something so small can make him.  Why will it make him feel happy? Because you are giving value to his effort to keep the dishes done and the kitchen clean by washing up what you have dirtied.  By helping out with small things like this, not only are you helping to keep things nice and tidy, but in effect you are saying, "I love you, and I appreciate you!"  Now, doesn't washing that dish sound like a good idea?

We are all busy, but ignoring the housework can lead to disagreements.  To me a messy house is noisy and chaotic, a clean one is quiet and peaceful, even with metal blasting from the speakers.  Rather than having a long slog each weekend of cleaning up the sty formerly know has your home, do a tiny bitty piece each day, because let's be honest who wants to spend their precious weekend mucking out toilets?  Then the weekend work will be down to an hour or so tops, and will only cost the both of you 20 minutes or so tops each night.

Not only will this keep your house clean and weekends free, it will lead to a much happier home.  And if you both are natural slobs?  Then make up a list, and do you bit each night, every night.  Doing it this way will seem more accessible than that weekend long slog filled with, "What in the hell is it with you, do you ever put anything away?"  And the bell rings, "In this corner weighing in with loads of sarcasm is....."

The root of all evil, money.

This, yea this is the tough one to deal with.  Strangely enough money is just not something we use to buy stuff with.  Money has many faces and we really need to listen to what each other is saying here, closely.  

You hate to spend any money, your main focus is to save save save.  Ok, now tell yourself the true reason saving your money is so important to you?  If you understand why saving is so important to you, then explaining it will be so much easier.

So, this is going to be tough to hash out, and one needs to be careful about how we use words here or twill be dragons and fire every where.  This one topic, about something so mundane, and yet so powerful, breaks many couples apart.  More than anything, this needs to be addressed fairly early on.  For some reason, it's so much easier to strip down naked with a complete stranger and have hot sex with them, than to talk to a loved one about money.

Winning this conversation is not what you should be aiming for.  A win for you here, could spell a bigger loss down the road, the end of your relationship.  So, tread carefully or it could all go pear shaped here.  Your money should pay the bills, be saved for emergencies, and for fun.  

Yes!! Fun needs to be added into the budget.  So, there isn't much money left over at the end of each month for fun.  Then learn to stretch your money till it cries.  So what if you can't afford expensive dinners out, or big lavish gifts for birthdays?  What is truly more important here, living large, or love?  I'm hoping you are saying, love.

So, the title of this post was rather deceiving, sorry.  Because if you work it correctly you won't be having make up sex..... but hey, made ya look!


Aek said...

Great post with lots of useful common-sense advice. :-)

Mr. HCI said...

All excellent points!

What's even better, if you can manage, is to not fight at all.

Sure, my husband and I have disagreements and there is sometimes tension about various things. But we never let it get to the point of fighting about whatever it is. A tense discussion about something almost always ends with a hug.

In 16 years, we've had precisely one fight, and it was 14 or 15 years ago (I know it was Halloween, just not sure if it was '95 or '96). Why did we have a fight? We were at a bar and were both full of way too much alcohol. Something very tiny sparked a fight that continued after we left the club. We were dressed as fairies for Halloween, complete with tutus and wings. I wish I had a video of the two of us, dressed as fairies, screaming at each other from across the street at 2 o'clock in the morning. When we got home, I tried to sleep on the sofa, but I couldn't do it; I wanted to be with him, not angry with him.

We both laugh about it now.