Merry Turkey Day!

Happy Thanksgiving!

It seems as if we mostly only hear gloom and doom in our daily life. The cable news networks seem to enjoy breaking our hearts with daily stories of rapes, murders and worse. I'm not sure why bad news is such a draw over happier, uplifting stories. Could it be that we are that jaded? Or is our daily life so devoid of joy, that we really can only bear to see people worse off than us?

Hmmm…….what I think is really going on, is that big horrid occurrences DO draw in the viewers, but the day to day updates on a missing person or murder trials seems more like a reality show. We turn in to see what's up with the hunt for the missing human, or to see how the prosecution is doing against the lawyers for the defense, and somehow thru the medium of the tv, it looses its 'realness' and becomes little different than "Big Brother" or "Survivor". Both are similar really, they both have their 'villains' their 'heroes' and of course a winner that we hash over days after that current cycle of the show ends. But, today I'm doing a happy story, a true story, a story that needs a wider audience, because this man is a shining star indeed.

Jimmy Creech was a United Methodist minister, yes past tense, he is an unsung hero of the trenches of fighting hand to hand for marriage rights for all Americans, and for his unrepentant fight he was defrocked. Jimmy felt the pull to be a pastor, he loved nothing more than holding his parishioners hands and hearts in their time of need, spreading the God he knew, which was a God of love and of peace. This is a man who lives the word of God, no shilly shalling about, he believes what he preaches.

Like most people who don't realize they know LGBTQ humans, Jimmy was typical in his blindness to their daily struggles to live a 'normal' life. While in his office one fine morning one of his flock came into his office saying how he was finished with the Methodist church. How Adam refused to support or attend a church that hated him. Jimmy calmed him down and pulled the reason out of him. This is what drove 'Adam' from his church of birth;

"The United Methodist Church does not condone the practice of homosexuality and consider this practice incompatible with Christian teaching. We affirm that God’s grace is available to all. We will seek to live together in Christian community, welcoming, forgiving, and loving one another, as Christ has loved and accepted us. We implore families and churches not to reject or condemn lesbian and gay members and friends. We commit ourselves to be in ministry for and with all persons." (1)

Adam's grief and anger ripped the blinders from Jimmy's eyes, and he began a spiritual quest to seek the answers. This is a quest that began in 1984 and still continues to this day. At one of his church trials, this is what Jimmy had to say about how he felt that God, the bible and his faith intersect;

"It is my belief that the position taken by The United Methodist Church regarding same-gender unions, as well as that regarding "the practice" of homosexuality, is wrong, unjust, discriminatory and inconsistent with the spirit of Christ and our Wesleyan and Methodist traditions…"

"Sexual orientation is not a moral issue; it is morally neutral. Sexual ethics are simple: sexual relationships should be mutual, non-exploitative, nurturing and loving. What is immoral are unequal, exploitative, abusive and unloving sexual acts toward another person. This is true regardless of the orientation of the persons involved. I believe that sexual activity which is considered moral when practiced by two people of different genders, is no less moral when practiced by two people of the same gender. The crucial test is whether the activity is mutual, non exploitative, nurturing and loving.

I believe that the sin of heterosexism is no less a sin than that of racism. While some of the dynamics may be different, they are fundamentally identical in nature as an expression of a dominate culture over another.

Just as it was the church in the South that perpetuated racism so that slavery and white supremacy could have legitimacy, the Christian church has been responsible, more than any other institution, for perpetuating the sin of heterosexism as a form of control over what is feared within all of us: the mystery of human sexuality and intimacy (sexual or non-sexual) with persons of the same gender.

Because of the heterosexism taught and practiced by the institution of the Christian church, countless young people have committed suicide, adults have lived lifetimes of lies, families have been destroyed, gay men and lesbians have been cruelly treated and murdered, the spirit and lives of millions of gay people have been crippled, and they have been told that the love of God is denied to them because of who they are, and will continue to be unless they become other than who they are.."(2)

This is a man who loved being a pastor, who loved ministering to his flock, and worked hard at his job, who took a pay decrease when times were tough at his church. Even though he lost one church due to his stance on believing, no strike that, he knew that God and Jesus loved all of his children, gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual and transgender, that Jesus would have welcomed all into his church, and allowing all to marry. After getting a chance at a new church, Jimmy didn't blanch or hedge his bets, he carried on, trying to make the new church more inclusive, more open to lgbt humans, causing the church to split in two factions, the group that grew to understanding that God loved all humans no matter of their sexuality, and the group that lives in the past with hate and bigotry.

Jimmy's work caused him to lose this new church, and later be defrocked, which for a man who believes in God and his church was wrenching, but once he stepped off the curb and marched in his first gay pride parade, carrying a banner saying that God loved all his children, he never looked back, never wavered, never changed his stance, his tone, his belief.

If you 'know' me, you'll pick up quite quickly that I'm not a religious person. I was raised going to church on Sundays, summer bible school and the whole 9 yards. Even as a small person however, I saw the hypocrisy in singing, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so" and then listening to the 'pastor's' hate filled preaching, at that point in time, the hate was spewed towards the blacks. This was the time period of the race riots, freedom marches and the beginning of desegregation of schools.

I lived in an apartment complex that primarily served military families, I was the only kid in our square whose daddy wasn't in the military. I had friends who were black, who were half asian, latino, heck it didnt matter to me what color they were, still doesn't. We were a rainbow, and got along great with each other. From making mud pies, to playing pick up games of football, racing around on our bikes, and sharing lunches, and following the mail man every single day all of us talking to him at once, I knew these kids were no different from me. The flyleaf of my children's bible was Jesus surrounded by children, and they were from all over the world. I remember laying on the floor one sweltering hot summer day, (this is when only the rich had air conditioning!) and looking at my bible, and remembering the 'message' from the previous Sunday, and I couldn't get what I knew to be true, and what a man of "God" said about blacks.

So began my quest for answers. No one was safe from my questioning, and I never did receive an answer that satisfied me. And as the young and innocent will often do, I came to my own conclusions, I was right, the adults were wrong, God did love us all, even the stupid.

Give Jimmy's book a try, and see if he doesn't make you feel just a wee bit better that not every christian in the whole world hates the lgbt humans, and gives you hope that times are a changing.

"Adam's Gift: A Memoir of a Pastor's Calling to Defy the Church's Persecution of Lesbians and Gays"

376 pages

Publisher: Duke University Press books (March 14, 2011)

Hardcover from Amazon.com is 19.77

Kindle version from Amazon is 16.47

(1) United Methodist Church doctrine

(2) Adam's Gift by Jimmy Creech (i'm sorry i cant give you the page number, my copy is a kindle book)

It's all about love, yeah?

Hope your thanksgiving was a happy day filled with laughter and hugs.

Sex and the gay/bi man

Out of the Pocket

Out of the Pocket is a fantastic book written by sports writer Bill Konigsberg, who came out in 2002 and shortly thereafter left ESPN. 

Bobby Framingham is the star quarterback in his senior year of high school, and he has a secret, he's gay.  Its beginning to eat away at him, the jokes, the expectations of his sorta kinda girlfriend.  In a weak/brave moment he comes out to one of his good friends on the football team, who tells two other people, and at that point Bobby's life begins a slow spiral downhill.

If you don't like football, this book will not be a good fit for you, as you follow Bobby thru his senior football season, and a great deal of the book deals with football.  Bill has written a very likable character in Bobby, he seems like a fella you'd want to be friends with.  And that's one thing that made this book so enjoyable, besides the wonderfully written sports scenes, is just how likable the main characters are.  There are a few guys on the team that are total douches, but they aren't the norm.  My only complaint with the book is how easily the majority of the school accepts Bobby as being gay.  Could it be that's all it takes is for someone that is at the top of the social heap to come out?  I don't know, no clue on this. 

Dutton Books 2008
264 pages
available both in print and kindle

If you do enjoy sports, take a click and visit Outsports.  On the main page today is several profiles of college athletes who have come out as gay.  The day of needing to be closeted to play in major league sports is coming to an end.

LGBT History Month

I thought I'd celebrate history month a bit differently, and showcase books written by lbgt authors.   Todays offering is the first transgender book I read, written by Jamison Green.  When Jamison first began his quest to fulfill his need to match his inner self with his outer self he found that there was no community of transpeople.  Why?  At that time the therapists all told trans folk,  to fade away into society and blend in after transition.  F2M's have a much easier time of blending in than do the M2F's, and f2m's dont have the onus of being "a guy in a dress" meme.  The more feminine of us pass quite convincingly as male, but not always as straight males.

James talks about his girl-hood, his life as a lesbian, and how on his quest to become a whole person, lost both his wife and community, as most of his lesbian friends were not very supportive of his transition.  He touches fairly lightly on his hurt feelings from this time period, but you can tell it cut deep from how he writes about this time period.  

I was luckily enough to share a breakfast with him last January when I traveled to Boston for the trans conference.  His speech the night before was amazing.  He is warm, caring and seemingly nonjudgmental.  If you get a chance to hear him talk, go he is a great public speaker.

Why should you, a non-transgendered human read this book?  It will help you to better understand what being transgender is, and how some of us are so insistent about matching our inner selves with our outer selves that we are prepared to lose all to be a whole person.  If only I were that brave.....

This book made me feel that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't weird or odd, and gave me a community if only thru print and web.  It was this book that helped me to come to terms with who I am, and pushed me into attending the trans conference.  Jamison helped usher me into my identity as a trans human, and that it was ok, it really was.  Going to the trans conference was very stressful, however like anything that is hard allowed me the chance to grow as a trans man.  The most important thing I learned at that conference wasn't learned in any of the seminars; there is more than one way to express one's trans-ness, and all of them are correct.

As of now, 'Becoming a Visible Man' is only available in print, not on kindle.  Hopefully that will soon change. 

 264 pages
Vanderbilt University Press, 2004

I.P.V.

Intimate Partner Violence


Partner abuse comes slipping into the relationship quietly.  The abuse slowly ebbs and flows over a period of time, until one day you realize you are neck deep in an abusive situation.  A sharp word here, a put down there, a slow eroding of you, that begins without notice but carries on until you doubt your own worth, or that you do deserve to be treated with kindness and consideration.

Partner abuse is something as common in gay, bi, and lesbian relationships as it is in the straight world, but it's largely ignored in the glbt communities.  We need to start talking about it, need to fill the gaps our knowledge that, yes, this occurs, and, hopefully, as marriage equality spreads through our country, the police and court systems will finally catch up.  It's taken them quite a bit to catch up to men being abused by their wives, but better late than never, yeah?

An abuser is an abuser, no matter what the relationship looks like: m/f, f/f, m/m, or trans/partner.  It seems that partner abuse has very few differences from the straight world to the glbt world.  The only big difference is the potential threat of being outed, should the partner being abused seek help.  Often that is one of the threats the abuser will use against you.  "I'll tell your (parents, work, etc)".  And so you stay, for more eroding of your self confidence, more bruises, and a continuing downward spiral of isolation from family and friends.

Emotional abuse means that your needs are never an important consideration, ever.  He always comes first: his wants, his desires, him, him, him.  He's always too busy, too tired, too broke, needs money for something he needs right this minute, etc.; you will just have to wait for him to be not be busy, tired, broke etc, etc, in other words, you will be in waiting in line, for it to be your turn for the rest of your life.

He tells you how lucky you are that he stays with you.  You're unworthy of love and affection; he is doing you a favor by staying.  After a while, you begin to believe him; you are so lucky he stays with worthless you.

"You're not really going to wear that, are you? You need to lose weight, get something done with what passes for hair, get some sun, shave/grow appropriate body hair, etc, etc."

It's a constant run down on your looks and what you wear.  Of course, some of your "flaws" are things that aren't fixable, like the fact your hair is defecting from the kingdom of your head.  So, you go on a diet, pour lotions and potions on your head, tan, gain weight, etc.; anything to please him and hope for some kind words.

He cuts you down in front of his friends, his family, your family, anyone, and everyone.  He tells you, and anyone that will listen, how stupid you are. He blows normal mistakes into huge stories that make you appear a complete buffoon. Until you get to the point where you are afraid to open your mouth, voice an opinion, or want to visit with your family and any friends you still have left.  At that moment in time, he has won, he now has a slave that will never tell him no.  Emotional abuse is hardest to get past.  The self doubt that was planted into you, will never fully be weeded from you.  It takes constant weed whacking to believe that you do deserve better, you are worthy of a loving relationship, your needs do matter, they don't need to come last, you may take a turn at being first in line!

Sexual abuse is never about sex, but about power, the taking of it.  Forcing you to engage in sexual acts you aren't comfortable doing, forcing you to have sex period, is abusive. With holding sex can also be a part of the abuse cycle, but that is usually hand cuffed to physical put downs as to why he wont have sex with you.  It doesn't matter one nano gram at all if you begin the sexual encounter being a willing partner, only to later changing your mind.  You are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to say NO! at any point during sex.  If he tells you "I was to worked up to quit!"  Well then, he is no better than an animal, yeah?  Sex is about giving and sharing, not taking and forcing.  For the vast majority of us, sex isn't about causing pain in our partners, isn't forcing them to do something they don't want to do.  However, having said that, we need to contrast abusive sex with BDSM, which are two completely different animals. Because at the bottom of a BDSM relationship is trust, safe words and most importantly, this is something that both partners want, they know each others limits, and just how far they want and can be pushed; which is not what sexual abuse is like at all.

Physical abuse starts with a slap, and apology and then a "honeymoon" period.  As time flows by however the physical abuse ramps up, the honeymoon periods shorten, and it takes less and less for him to strike you, and the physical abuse gets more and more intense, doing ever greater damage.  You can't muck about with this, you need to get out and now.

Leaving is often when it becomes very dangerous to your life.  No matter how badly you have been beaten before, after you leave is when his rage becomes unhinged.  Before you leave, you need to do some ground work first, you need an exit plan, and it has to be fool proof.  If you can't get any relief from the police/courts, then its going to be all up to you as to how to get out safely and stay alive.  It might take you a few weeks, a month or so to get your ducks lined up, but take the time to do so.  The only way to flee without a safety net, is if you fear for your life Now!  Then by all means RUN RUN RUN!  Don't wait to pack anything, just flee for your life.  Everything is replaceable except you.  There are shelters out there for men, and many will take in GLBT.  If you live in a very small community where there are no shelters for anyone except women, then you are going to need to get creative at a point in your life when your creative jug is empty.  If nothing else, drive as far as you are able to, and stay in a hotel, do not stay local, get as much distance between you and him. 

Your family members.  Speaking as a mother, no matter how long its been since you've been able to be with them, they will most likely take you in.  Don't call ahead, just show up.  If they are the closed minded sort who when you came out to them they threw you away, give them a second chance.  They might hate the fact that they lost you, but didn't want to lose "face" by trying to contact you again.  And lets be honest, if you're not out to them and you are over the age of 30, and have had male "room mates" since you left home/college, believe me they know.  Take a chance and go to them, give them a chance to be a wonderful parent.  If that door is firmly closed?  Then try your friends, yes the ones who no longer call you, because he pushed them out of your life.  We are talking life or death here, only the most callus of people would turn you away in your time of need.

Resources:  If you know of others in your area, please add them to the comment section.

For USA  http://gmdvp.org/

       and        http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelpnatl.htm

New York City   http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/html/issues/lesbian.shtml

Massachusetts  http://www.fenwayhealth.org/site/PageServer?pagename=FCHC_srv_services_vrp_Resources

Los Angles   http://www.lagaycenter.org/site/PageServer?pagename=YH_DV_Family_Violence_Partner_Abuse
              
North Carolina   http://www.projectrainbownet.org/resources.html

For Canadians   http://www.gaypartnerabuseproject.org/

For Australians http://www.anothercloset.com.au

International resource list   http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=3

If you are a woman, and are facing domestic violence, please understand I don't think lightly of your plight, only that there are very few resources for battered men and even less available for gay men.  People "get" that women are all to often victims of ipv, but less likely to think men can be and are victims of people they love.

I'm back, and a fun video

Hi,

Yeah, tis been a while since I last posted.  Sorry about that, had a lot on my mental and physical plate lately, and some things just got pushed onto the back burner.  And as you can tell, this blog was one of them.

The news on the glbt front has been rather mixed lately, some very hopeful, some ever so not.  Ding dong the wicked DADT is soon to be an entry on the misguided law page.  And while I couldnt be happier to have gays and lesbians the right to serve our country, once again transgender folks were left without a place at the table of civil rights.  It seems that every time glbt issues come up, the only way for gays and lesbians to get a slice of the civil rights pie is to throw the trans folk under the bus.  And I get that, I really do, when the piece of the pie is so incredibly small, it does cause the mentality of "every person for themselves" sinking ship kinda thing.

Tonight while chatting with Newleaf, he asked me had I seen this video, and when I told him no, he sent me this link. Hopefully it will make you smile and brighen your day.

If a Married Lesbian Couple Saves 40 Teens from the Norway Massacre and No One Writes About it, Did it Really Happen?

By this point, most of you have heard about the tragedy in Norway a few weeks ago when a Christian Fundamentalist* murdered 77** people and injured another 96. The story has been well-covered by International media and the mainstream press here in the US.
What you probably have not heard about is the married lesbian couple who rescued 40 teenagers during and after the bloody event. Several blogs and gay and lesbian publications are now picking up the story, but the heavy hitters who usually kill for hero stories like this, have remained silent.
The Finnish capital city’s largest daily newspaper, Helsingin Sanomat, published this account (translated from Finnish):

Hege Dalen and her spouse, Toril Hansen were near Utöyan having dinner on the opposite shore across from the ill-fated campsite, when they began to hear gunfire and screaming on the island.
“We were eating. Then shooting and then the awful screaming. We saw how the young people ran in panic into the lake,” says Dale to HS in an interview.
The couple immediately took action and pushed the boat into Lake Tyrifjorden.
Dalen and Hansen drove the boat to the island, picked up from the water victims in shock in, the young and wounded, and transported them to the opposite shore to the mainland. Between runs they saw that the bullets had hit the right side of the boat.
Since there were so many and not all fit at once aboard, they returned to the island four times.
They were able to rescue 40 young people from the clutches of the killer.
“We did not sleep last night at all. Today, we have been together and talked about the events,” Dalen said.

Please share this story and make sure people know the heroism of Hege and Toril.
Check out our follow-up to this post here: Hege & Toril: Why We Write, which addresses many of your comments and questions about this article.
*The term “Christian Fundamentalist” has been disputed greatly in both the press and the comments section below this post. According to Norwegian police investigating the massacre, Anders Behrin Breivik was a “Christian Fundamentalist” as described by the New York Times and several Norwegian sources. There is a great post from CNN, which discusses at length, the use of the term being used for Breivik.
**Thank you to readers who have provided credible sources as to the actual number of deaths from this tragedy. We originally reported that 92 had been killed, but according to Norwegian sources, the total number is at 77, with many still in the hospital.
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reposted from Talk Equality